Writing In Tears…


 

 

 

i am now stricken with sudden thrust of loneliness. I’m watching a classic movie, and one scene actually turned my eyes drained with tears. It’s not some kind of romantic movie, but a “steven seagal” one (lol..). What moved me is the scene when he threw his opponent in the bed – then a bitter memory flashed back..

Once in a while, I am being in charge of looking after my youngest sibling and only brother, dan. As he grew, he have some series of behaviors that is annoying for me as an adult. He used to cry whenever my mother leave for market. I just hold him, keeping him away from my mother as she bids goodbye. However, one time, my nerve got my limit, and in my rage, I threw him in the bed. I knew that the bed is soft but I saw that he’d been hurt (i’m sobbing now..). It really drew me into tears whenever i remember that. I failed to realize that I have to take care of him, rather than hurt him. As his big brother, I should be one of the first people to understand that he’s crying not to annoy me, but  because he is so afraid to be deserted. He is crying for security, for assurance that people whom he trust will not leave him.

Lot of lessons kids of young age teach us as an adult. I’m watching my little brother cling to my mother for security, and i am not moved even an inch. Never did i know the agony he is feeling. I have to assure him that me as his brother is here to watch over him while my mother is away. I have to assure him that he is safe, that i will never leave him. Sometimes regrets are hard to swallow, and to forget, for sure.

Had you experienced being left by someone you truly loved? I could honestly say that I’d been the one who left someone. I knew it’s hard to accept the undeniable truth but some unfinished business are ghosts from the past that is haunting us and will keep on haunting us til we settle everything and clean all the mess we left behind. When we hurt someone, we are hurting those who love that person and those who love both you and the person. So settle things, while there’s still time.

From the day I saw how my brother was hurt, i never laid a finger on him. I shout at him once in a while, I even hit things near him, but i never hurt him, ever. It’s not because I don’t want to hurt him physically, but i told to myself that my parents and sisters are there, he surely have enough. I wish that they understand him as a child. I believe that there are still some naughtiness on him as a kid, but i also believe that he longs for love and care and security.

I’d learned on that experience. I started listen to every word that he says. He sometimes say blank words, but i don’t take those words as senseless. I knew something transpired before he say such words because i believe he’s too young to be corrupted/influenced by this world. I started to pay attention. Whenever he say things that are relevant to his welfare, I did my best to contribute and to let him know that i care for him. Sometimes he say things beyond his age. He is a smart kid.

I know the best thing i can share to him is to let him know that even we his family are around here, there’s One who can love him more that we could – His name is Jesus. We let him have a fear of the Lord. In his early age, we oriented him to be a good citizen. We let him hear the Word of God. A lot of people are in the worldly lifestyle, we can’t afford to add one, not our brother.

I’d learned my lesson very well, in a hard way actually.  Be cautious of your emotions, you might hurting someome before you know, and the result might be irreversible.

I couldn’t bring back the time from when i threw my brother on the bed, but i still have plenty of time to love him and take care of him and fulfill my duty as a big brother for him as long as i live.

I love you dan.

This blog entry was originally posted on my friendster blogsite dated 19th October 2009

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