Why is it so tough to move forward?


Lately I’m pondering about this question. Then my mind sails afloat the sea of thoughts. I then find myself trolling around scenarios of “what if?” “why not?” exchange – like a tennis ball. 

Tradeoff is the main factor. If I move forward, I will leave point “A” and embrace point “B.” There’s no turning back, I have to burn the bridge! Lest I might turn to a pillar of salt (inaalat tayo *wink*). I will leave all comforts and perks in point “A,” and start a new adventure. The mere thought thrills me. But sweet journey come with a price, I’m not sure I can afford.

By the way, it’s about leaving my job.

I spoke with my wife about it. She told me that if I’m not happy anymore I can always go home. She added: “God will not forsake us.” Well, that’s comforting 🙂

So I sought my Lord Jesus Christ.. and He led me in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. Although it’s a popular chapter, it never occurred to me that I’ll meditate on this. Two insights strike me, I’m hoping these can contribute to you guys, especially if you’re in crossroads of decision-making. 

v. 8: Love Never Fails

Why I’m so hesitant to move? Because I’m afraid to fail. Do I still love my job? If so, I’ll never fail. If not, it’s time to move on. That’s the practical approach. 

Subjective/spiritual approach is this: if I put my faith in God, who is love, I shall never fail. 

So long as I have love, I can stand the test of time. (This is the point where I want to scream like Augustus in the movie Gladiator: “are you not entertained?!!”… and by the way I want to face my boss when delivering that – haha). 

v. 11. Think like a man

I’m not referring to a movie with that title, sorry 🙂 

I have to think maturely. Thinking outside the ‘box’ so to speak. This means putting aside personal feelings, and weigh the situation as logical and objective as possible. No grumbling, grudge or envy. Better to overthink about consequences rather than be surprised with unforeseen exigencies. No room for mistakes here, the price I’ll pay is high enough for me (paraphrased from Karen Carpenter’s i know i need to be in love #credit).

I’m still stuck. 

I want to reflect in v. 12. This is what I’m seeing now..blurry, uncertain. But in God’s perfect time, everything will fall in it’s proper place. This is just a cliffhanger, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there (from Relient K’s song “Let It All Out.”).

Verse I’m clinging onto: Romans 8:28 “…ALL things work TOGETHER for GOOD to them that LOVE God, to them who are called according to His purpose.”

Timetable


My boss felt sorry for me. He is saddened by the idea of me staying away wth my wife and son to work. He asked me how long I intend to continue this setup. I replied “two years,” doubtfully.

It’s never easy to be away from your family. One of my life’s regret is not finishing my studies. I should have been in a better position. Another is failing to set aside savings/investments while I was still single. I mean I can continue my studies, but there’s more important on my priority list rather than going back to school, or saving. It’s easy to say that everything is possible, but when you are confronted with real factors, then that’s another story. 

As of now, I am not happy pushing papers without an opportunity to climb to a corporate ladder. Sad to say, I’m working for each paycheck. There are times I hate to be in a position where I am. I even complain to God, which I should not. But impatience get into my nerve. I am a dedicated employee with no other thought but to serve the company I am employed as my way of showing gratitude for providing foods on my family’s table. I sometimes grew tired of the loop I’m in. I need a break.

This too, shall pass.

Freefall


Minutes,…hours… this once excited journey is now filled with grief. This heart did not seek sympathy from anyone. This soul drifting in the realm of the unworthy longs nothing but peace. This deafening silence is screaming so hard that it redefines my inner identity.
Enjoyment is a temporary experience to hide/conceal the pains and sufferings i am harboring inside of me. The bittersalty tears of sorrows and low spirit demoralize me. When the issue of neglect in communicating shuns me from embracing peace and quietness, then i know something is wrong with me. When i crack a joke turned out to be an insult, then it backfires to me, sending awkward feeling of embarassment and guilt. When my maturity is being challenged with authority, then i will be intimidated. When all i am now is far from what i am showing to people, then i am deceiving myself. When i’m being pressured by needs and responsibilities, then i know i can’t afford to slow down. When my problems keep on accumulating, i am thinking of giving up. What’s the point of fighting? In the end i am an immatured, stupid guy sitting in the corner watching the clock turns the time into a brand new day. No  identity, no consistency, no breakthrough!

The rest


I don’t want to flow in this river of life like the rest of the crowd. I desire to be so free of regrets and weights of this world. Life is sometimes inconsistent, as much as i am. Today i am so free, and a moment later, i am in bondage of this chains of immaturities and deceptions residing inside of me.
How will i face the world if i am engulfed with my own fears?

Experience


image

We are in this world for but a glimpse. A spark of light in the blink of an eye. I’m not sure how i spent first few years of my life here, that uncertainties of whether you understand what i’m sayin’… Nevertheless, here i am in the midst of solitude and isolation. Ideas and realizations flow freely in this soul so lost in this crowd. When my very state of being defy even the hardest foundation of faith, when it’s not all about my faih, then my weaknesses are being exposed. Share of doubts clouding over me, bringinga sense of transparency, ripple effect is this feeling of comfort that i am not hiding in pretension. There’s no need for me to pretend that i am so strong yet i am weak in the inside. Don’t getme wrong, i am not in a self-destruct mode (uhm, sometimes),  i am just being me, in this state of my being.
To whom am i laboring for? I will be here for about fifty years, perhaps sixty years… nowadays, reaching the age ofsixty cancer-free is considered a fruitful life. If i will be thinking of my career, then there are lots of rooms for regrets. Sometimes  reaching achievements are easier said than done. After i reach the goal, what next? I don’t want to carry my trophies of pride in my whole life, inasmuch as i refused to be intimidated.
Time, such precious time. Not to mention the amount of time spent figuring out the best choice. Worse, whi.chever i choose, there’s a tradeoff. Why can’t everyone get their share? I mean pie for everybody! Why some people just can’t get enough?
Tomorrow, another day. Another day to waste, to be productive, to experience something new, not for others but for me.

Solitude…


Your long-lost roommate returns!

So, how’s life? I’m visiting you again. I almost forgot this haven. I’ve got this strange feeling of comfort? no, definitely not.. it’s a feeling of being alone. disconnected in any link at present. Why are you staying here? You might be as well tired of carrying the burden of the world out there.. Can’t you carry it? Did you just lost your faith to fate? C’mon, you can do better than that! But then again… Yeah, I got your point. I’d been there, and I knew if it will take a lifetime to learn how not to be stupid, so be it. I’m just a simple man who wants to live a simple life… What? It’s a lie? I’m not trying to live an extravagant life.. Yeah, we have something in common.. I sometimes used to it.. Well, few years ago, I’m here, I’m with you for so long that I’d thought will last for the rest of my life. But something’s changed. It’s not that I don’t want attachment with you. You know that when something pop up, I can leave this place and pursue something… Because life is out there! I can’t live my life in darkness for the rest of my life.. But it’s cool. Sometimes, when I’m being moved into loneliness, then you are appearing. Roommate, I guess I have to admit that you’re not real (are you? kiddin’). But you’re as real as I am! Or I am you? Confusions flooding my senses. I guess that’s the ripple effect of not being used in this place. I almost forgot your existence! Uhm, sorry for that. I’m not taking you for granted.. It’s just that you’re a part of me a long, long time ago and is being triggered by unbearable emotions I’m dealing with that I obviously can’t deal… So let’s do the bootcamp here. You and me, alone…